So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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