i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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