you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
