It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
