I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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