i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
