dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
