All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
