why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize