cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
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Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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