I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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