you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
