omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
