So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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