every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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