if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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