i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
