everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
