I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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