You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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