Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
