i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
