He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
