So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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