I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
