I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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