The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
