I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
