his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
