Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
