when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You're like the curious george of whores
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
