Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
