dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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