I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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