Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
