it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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