kristin has been a bad kristin
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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