I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize