I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
