While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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