2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
