i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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