fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
