oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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