i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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