Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
