...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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