I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
