When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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