im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
They have beer where we have blood.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
