halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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