just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
