Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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