Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The air was thick with penises
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
