why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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