i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
